Looking back at my declarations from last year I cannot imagine the extent of my drunkenness. Or, at least I hope I was drunk. Have you ever looked back at the resolutions you wrote down a couple of hours before midnight? I regret writing them in the first place. Embarrassingly enough though, you will still find me writing new empty promises down on 31.12.2017.
Why are they always the same, too? ‘I will start losing weight; I will read more; I will learn another language.’ We both know you are fooling yourself. Then why do you still want to lie to yourself? I have theory that it stems from the recaps of the year we watch in the daytime, where the overachievers occupy our attention. That would mean the new year is kicked off with a surge of jealousy, and that both me and you are petty people. Not this year though. This year my resolution will be to end poverty. Because every new, new year resolution is another ideal perception of yourself that, you more often than not, will never see happen.
Therefore, I have made a list of 5 new year’s resolutions you will never follow through with, since we are both drunk making them:
- Eat healthier and exercise – Yes! We will all be fit by the end of January, because it says so on a piece of paper. Especially, when we both wake up hungover on January 1.
- Watch less Netflix – We will both stop spending just below £10 for the endless stream of shows available to us, when we only really watch a handful of them. We will instead give the same amount to a charity of our choice.
- Sleep more – After falling into the new year drunker than what we did last year, the both of us will wake up 5 hours later, at 8:00 am, and go for a run.
- Read a certain number of books – The both of us are expanding our minds for this year, right? Therefore, we are going to buy a lot of intelligent books, like the Da Vinci Code, but if anything at all, we will end up reading the Hunger Games, Twilight or something by John Green.
- Find our significant other – This will be the most effortless one. The first thing we will do is to get Tinder. Build our profile with our best pictures, and our cleverest puns (that we find from the top search on Google), and start swiping. That is when we discover how fun it is to swipe, which is why we never, ever, ever, will meet anyone from the app.
Do you think we are capable of doing this? Personally, I do not. However, with the right amount of determination and prosecco, the both of us can too become pathological liars before kicking in 2018.